A Small Cry with a Loud Voice
by MusicMaven73
Summary: The writer of this is going through a Depression. The pain expressed can be compared to that of FF7.


You know how people always say: "Listen to your heart..." and all that bullshit? Well apparently, my heart is temporarily retarded due to the battered and brokenness it has suffered from the one major relationship that I had in my life. My head isn't all there either, once I think about it. The two damn organs are like on two different planets, and I'm thinkin' that my liver is gonna go next because of the severity of the alcohol that I have consumed within the past three years of my life. My eyes are on the verge of going blind because of all of the tears that I've cried over damn nonsense, and my ears seem to be takin' on a life of their own- comin' up with words and phrases that were never said. Or they were probably said, it's just that my head couldn't and wouldn't comprehend what any of it meant.

To put it lightly: I'm breaking down. I've been breaking down, and most people don't see a reason why I should be breaking down. After all, 'your first relationship is the hardest to get over.' Yeah...it was. As a matter of fact, it was so hard to get over that I went so low as to try to kill myself in a bubble bath. Needless to say, the water would not come over my head, because silly Amber didn't fill the tub up to the brim. Damn idiot. So here I am now, seventeen years old, alive and kickin'. And after being depressed for a year and a half of my short life, I finally thought that I was out of my depression. That's when I left the country, and thought I found love again, with a younger person.

Honestly, it was love. Nobody had ever treated me as nice as that boy did, and that's one of the things I absolutely adored about him. We told each other that we were willing to try the long distance thing and make it work. And it did...for about a month. It's literally drivin' me crazy the way everything is happening. I have absolutely no control over anything and I hate that. I'm always in control. I have to be in control so I can be there for others, but right now I've lost that control because of him. He's in control of this situation and I'm startin' to think that there isn't a situation anymore, because of the way I'm being ignored. Or maybe I'm not being ignored. Maybe there's a relevant excuse to all of this. But then again if I say that, then I'd be going all the way back to where I started. I'd be depressed again, tryin' to find excuses for the other person, when I know good and damn well I've not done a damn thing wrong.

I've gotten pissed off at God this time. I've come quite close to sayin' that I didn't believe in Him and that I could give two squirts of duck shit as to what happens to Him. During this breakdown, I'm losin' my faith. The last depression I had I would put all my faith in God, rather than myself, and just pray and pray until I thought somethin' would happen. Somethin' good, is what I prayed for. I prayed for the 'love of my life' to come back to me that last time. I sat there and took hour long showers for a good, long, year and a half of my life so that I could have a little alone time with God, and ask Him to help me. To ask Him to 'show my love to Drew.' Maybe God did, maybe He didn't. I guess I'll never know, because after all of the fits that I through for this relationship, I wouldn't let my ass in the gates of Heaven if I were the Almighty King.

But here I am now, sittin' at this computer typin' up my feelings. I walked into the livin' room not too long ago, and put my phone on silent. That way if J.D. doesn't call, it won't upset me. Before I even sat down to write this, I called my best friend and just cried and had a little breakdown over J.D. Which I'm sure she's sick of listenin' to me go through my little mood swings everyday, but that's what depression does to you. Or maybe this really isn't depression, this is just my coping mechanism...but then again that would contradict itself, because the 'counselor' I saw last summer said that laughing is my coping mechanism. She seemed to have noticed that I 'made a joke of everything.' Well hell, what do you expect from me? I haven't really had a good damn laugh in a long time, so humor me here and at least be fake with it and laugh too.

This shit is way too much for me. It shouldn't be, but it is. Whoever said that love is somethin' great, then the shit you ate for breakfast, must've gone to your brain. Love is flippin' ignorant. It hurts so bad. It makes you cry all the time. It makes you have mood swings. It makes you want to die. It makes you hurt nonstop. It's an ever living pain in the ass. I thought I was in love, and hell, maybe I was. It was an innocent thing at first. We were together for almost a year, and I was sure that this was the person that I was goin' to marry...but then again, I could never get a straight answer out of him. Then that shit hit the fan, and Amber was left by herself and nobody but me could ease the pain and pick up the broken fragments of myself. So, I'd sit there and make up excuses as to why that happened to me. I prayed for some kind of hope, which that supposed 'hope' led me on for a year and half and made me hurt more than what was needed. I just want to be happy. I wanted to be happy with Drew...and I was for a long time. But I knew that relationship was over, I was just so damn stupid that I blinded myself with excuses so I would have somethin' to go by.

This time I just have no words for it. I absolutely do not know what to say. A couple of days ago, my mama told me that I was a 'Glutton for pain.' Well, I guess that's just what the hell I am. Just piss on it. I really do have feelings for J.D. and it hurts that the situation and wound up like this. This relationship was different, because it never really had time to grow. We were in a new country and basically thrown into it, like criminals being thrown to the lions. I am the type of person to sit and analyze exactly where everything went wrong, and the only thing I can pinpoint here is that J.D.'s mother triggered it. After all, he did tell me that she had said she didn't think that we would work out and she didn't want me toting him off to Mississippi. Well excuse the piss out of me lady! Your son was the one who said that he loved me first. I was the cautious one. That's right! I was. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me, and that he loved me, and all kinds of other stuff. Hell, he even talked about _marrying _me. My last relationship never the guy said any of that. The thought of someone actually wanting to marry me was exciting. The thought of me actually being a mother was crazy...but wonderful. I was flippin' happy for about eight seconds of my life and then it had to get taken away because of some hateful thing that you said! You got him to thinkin' and doubtin' it all! And damnit, _I _ was the one who got hurt. Because that's what I was fuckin' born into!

I want to talk to him so bad, but I just don't have anything new to say other than I love you more than anything. I guess I should add in: if there was a contract in front of me that told me that I would have to sign everything away that I have in my life right now so that I could be with you, then I'd sign it in a heartbeat, because I know you feel just as strongly about me. How in the world I know that, I don't know. I'm just sick of hurting. I want to be happy and be with someone. I want to be with J.D. because he is a good person. The only thing bad about him is that he doesn't believe in God. Which, at this point, I don't blame him 'cause I am honestly pissed off. What in the world is God gonna do for me if He won't even let me be in a relationship that I am happy in? A relationship where I didn't have to blind myself, and lie to myself and say that everything is gonna be ok. A relationship where I was _loved_ and I wasn't the one always makin' the first move and takin' control of the situation. A relationship where _I_ was the one being thought about and worried over. Please, somebody tell me what in the world can God do for me when every time it comes to a relationship, I'm the one getting hurt!

I'm sitting here just dying inside, and honestly wishing that this little cry for...hell I don't even know what it's a cry for. If it's help, I know you probably can't give it. Nobody can. Nobody but God, and he seems to not want to give it to me. All I want is a returned phone call. I promised J.D. I'd call him back...that was a week ago. That was when he said he didn't want to be with me…ever. Because, he didn't see us working out because of the 'distance thing.' So we got into an argument. Which I had every right to yell and scream at him because, my God, I sat there and put up with his mean shit for two days. I put myself out there for him. I met him half-fuckin'-way! And for what? For some doubt that his mother put in his head. For his coping mechanism, which is 'push Amber away, and you won't get hurt as bad.' Well I hope you hurt! I hope you fuckin' hurt! I hope you have cried your little eyes out. I hope you have thought about me every damn day, just like I've thought about you! I hope that you...damnit. I don't know. I hope that soon...you'll put yourself out there for me, because I promise you, I'm not gonna push you away.

I hope that by some miracle, someone will read this and say: ' Damn. This girl needs a prayer.' I hope that your prayer is answered, because my prayers always tend to backfire on me. I hope that God is lookin' over my shoulder and seein' all this. I hope that it's showin' Him that I'm passionate about something other than myself. I hope it shows everyone that I'm hopelessly in love, not crazy. I hope that, somehow or another, my cries and my pleas, are heard by Heaven and that they will just let me have my smidget of happiness again. My little taste...

I don't care if I'm miserable the rest of my life. Just as long as I have that one thing that I knew while I was in France for now and always...I'll be ok. I can deal with all of the bad days in life. I can deal with future problems. Just give it back, God! I'll handle anything that You throw at me, just let me have my love back. You can consider this my prayer to You, God. If nothing else ever goes well in my life, let this be my last good thing. Please listen to me...don't just hear me..._listen _to me. Love is somethin' that needs to be cherished, and I will cherish this forever...

Love is something that is precious, and I want it back so bad. I want my relationship back. I want you to answer my prayers like you answer all of those lucky people's prayers. I've kept my patience, God. I waited for a year and a half for nothing, and not once did I get mad at you for that. But this is somethin' that I've gotten mad over, and I'm begging you to give it back. Let me get up from this computer and see that I have a missed call from my sugarpants sayin' that everything's gonna be ok. Don't let me be ignored...

I'm havin' a breakdown, ya know? Some people might think I'm crazy for doin' this. Some people this might reach out to. Others might not have a clue as to what's goin' on when they read this. Hopefully you won't think anything bad of me, because if anyone has been in the same boat that I'm in right now, then you'll know that love is a crazy thing. You'll know that if you really feel for someone, that love makes you do crazy things. To be honest with you, I think this is pretty damn crazy myself, but if you're willing to read a bunch of babble from a broken heart, and a crazy mind...then my thanks to you. I'm hurting, but you were willing to see what I'm hurting for. I would always tell people that 'I'm a free bird.' Well, this free bird has a broken wing, and the only person that can fix it is the only one that can make me cry...

Fin


End file.
